Tuesday, 1 November 2011

I Admit


I am a very transparent person. You don't have to know me very well in order to understand how I'm feeling. When I'm happy, I'm infectious, all my friends will know the source of my glee. When I'm sad, I'm the biggest drama queen in the world. My friends will know the blow-by-blow account and nitty-gritty of my despair.

Ok, I might be sounding a bit crazy already. But to balance it out, I share in my friends' life moments the same way I share mine with them. (my good friend Jonas once told me that i have a deep sense of empathy, I didn't realize that before).

Some well-meaning friends cautioned me on my openness (especially about my sexuality during the past year). I understand their concerns. However, it still comes out naturally. I have been empowered so much that to continue to hide in the closet is becoming more and more unbearable.

The same openness has extended to my heart. The moment someone I like gives me a glimmer of hope, all my defenses go down. I'll be all out with my sweet gestures. I will be literally prancing on air.

Friends tell me to hold back a little. Keep the other guy guessing. "Make him miss you." But as I am brutally frank with my opinions, I am also brutally honest with my feelings. I don't see the point with pretending, with playing a game. "It's better he knows how I feel upfront."

Listening to Fabcasts recorded over the past year, I've noticed a common theme in my comments. It started as a simple joke, a form of self-flagellation. A recognition of a state of being. Little did I notice that bit by bit it was eating me up. And as Mcvie has pointed out to me, I was desperate. "Guys can smell your desperation from miles away." Brutal words that I must admit made me feel defensive. I was shaken. Tony said I lost my groove, I lost my confidence. In the middle of a massage last night, my head was swirling with thoughts, the warm hands of my masseur felt like nothing, I was numb. I was stripped naked. I was exposed.

I've been asking myself a lot of times, "Why am I still single? I'm a nice guy, I'm not ugly, why can't I have a boyfriend?" And each time I say it, a piece of my dignity, my self-respect is stripped off me.

I don't want someone to love me out of pity. I don't want someone to "complete" me.

But I recognize, I am broken. A brutal reality that I need to accept. I need to fix myself. Not anyone else.

15 comments:

imsonotconio said...

i feel for u! hugs! u ahvent met the right guy who can accept this openness yet, its worth the wait i guarantee u muah!

Jpy Dee said...

LB, ako ba ang nagsulat nito? LOL. pero seriously, this is very me. we're so the same sa ilang aspeto ng sinabi mo dito. i feel you london boy. alam ko ang feeling. :)

Mugen said...

I sincerely hope you will find your one soon.

Always remind yourself of McVie. There's always hope. :)

Mac Callister said...

finally!nag blog din!

ano ba yan damang dama ko naman ang bawat salita...

relate much ako *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you. -october25_84

joelmcvie said...

"Always remind yourself of McVie. There's always hope. :)"

@MUGEN: Jusko! Ako na, ako na ang Ina ng Laging Saklolo, ahahaha!

@LONDONBOY: Ang brutal ko pala. Sabagay, a drama queen should be ready for a bitch-slap in the face once in a while. LOL!

@ANONYMOUS: KILALA KITA! AHAHAHAHAHA!

maddeningcrowd said...

@joel ako din paki-bitchslap ng bonggang-bongga! LOL.

@london_boy alam mo na. alagaan ang hardin at ang hardinero. ;-)

kwentong malibog said...

http://kwentongmalilibog.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

yeah it shows esp when you are drunk..you seemed to be an angel but boy, when you have that alcohol in your blood, you act like a loud drama-filled obnoxious desperate slut...

clean up your act..you are looking like a desperate auditor..you're good in numbers but please audit yourself as well...

-disappointed witness.

ShatterShards said...

It may be harsh, and it may be true, but at the final reckoning, anonymous comments are immaterial.

Cheer up, Londonboy, you found your happiness, and you deserve it.

YOBE said...

you don't need someone to complete you..you only need someone who will accept you completely...

YOBE said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tim Smithson said...

So Am I. Still single.

hays, no words to say..

steven said...

well you only need to share your feelings with your loved ones.
offshore company formation in dubai

smith said...

Sharing your feeling to your friends or loved one is best option to relive from such situation. A proverb states that sharing will reduce sorrow by 50% and increase happiness by 100%.

 
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