I am a very transparent person. You don't have to know me very well in order to understand how I'm feeling. When I'm happy, I'm infectious, all my friends will know the source of my glee. When I'm sad, I'm the biggest drama queen in the world. My friends will know the blow-by-blow account and nitty-gritty of my despair.
Ok, I might be sounding a bit crazy already. But to balance it out, I share in my friends' life moments the same way I share mine with them. (my good friend Jonas once told me that i have a deep sense of empathy, I didn't realize that before).
Some well-meaning friends cautioned me on my openness (especially about my sexuality during the past year). I understand their concerns. However, it still comes out naturally. I have been empowered so much that to continue to hide in the closet is becoming more and more unbearable.
The same openness has extended to my heart. The moment someone I like gives me a glimmer of hope, all my defenses go down. I'll be all out with my sweet gestures. I will be literally prancing on air.
Friends tell me to hold back a little. Keep the other guy guessing. "Make him miss you." But as I am brutally frank with my opinions, I am also brutally honest with my feelings. I don't see the point with pretending, with playing a game. "It's better he knows how I feel upfront."
Listening to Fabcasts recorded over the past year, I've noticed a common theme in my comments. It started as a simple joke, a form of self-flagellation. A recognition of a state of being. Little did I notice that bit by bit it was eating me up. And as Mcvie has pointed out to me, I was desperate. "Guys can smell your desperation from miles away." Brutal words that I must admit made me feel defensive. I was shaken. Tony said I lost my groove, I lost my confidence. In the middle of a massage last night, my head was swirling with thoughts, the warm hands of my masseur felt like nothing, I was numb. I was stripped naked. I was exposed.
I've been asking myself a lot of times, "Why am I still single? I'm a nice guy, I'm not ugly, why can't I have a boyfriend?" And each time I say it, a piece of my dignity, my self-respect is stripped off me.
I don't want someone to love me out of pity. I don't want someone to "complete" me.
But I recognize, I am broken. A brutal reality that I need to accept. I need to fix myself. Not anyone else.
Yup, it's been five months since my last entry. I have been so busy at work, doing 12-15 hours a day. In the rare times that I don't work overtime, I take the opportunity to sleep. Yup, sleep has been a very scarce commodity for me.
It's still crazy at work, but I really have to pause for a bit and write this post. Last weekend was a blast and it needs to be immortalized for its randomness. It was a tiring 3 days, yet I felt so refreshed this morning. Yey to randomness and good times with friends!!!
3:55 pm - Feeling sleepy and tired, I decided I won't report to work the following day. My weekend starts a day early :)
10:00 pm - Left the office to meet MGG, Tony, Mcvie and D at Tomas Morato. MGG shared the story of letter sender who he met recently.
12:00 am - Moved to Coffee Bean to peek at someone's study date.
3:oo pm - Movie marathon with Tony. We watched "Red Riding Hood" and "Sucker Punch". 2 cutie guys in "Red Riding Hood". No hunks in "Sucker Punch". Fell asleep in the latter ;)
8:30 pm - Went home early as Tony was meeting the "kid".
12:00 am - Got a text from Dalumat, they're having a movie night at his place.
1:30 am - Arrived in Dalumat's condo with "refreshments."
2:00 am - Watched "Dorian Gray". Ben Barnes is hot! Topless scenes and bisexual sex ;)
3:45 am - Went to the rooftop with Dalumat and Kayadudes, chit chatting while drinking more "refreshments".
5:00 am - Sleeping time.
12:30 pm - Woke up. Got news from Mom that car was just repaired and needs a road test. Agreed with Tony to have a road trip to Tagaytay.
1:30 pm - Went home.
4:30 pm - On the road to Mandaluyong to pick-up Tony and the kid. It's my first time to drive alone. Took me two hours to get to Mandaluyong, wahahaha.
6:30 pm - Arrived in Mandaluyong, an hour and a half late ;) Sorry naman.
7:00 pm - Group decides to go to Enchanted Kingdom instead. Back on the road. It's my first time to drive on the SLEX. Weeeee!!!! 100 kph!!!!
Playlist: Cast recording of Zsa Zsa Zaturnah, Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Mamma Mia! 8:00 pm - Stop-over at Mcdo for quick dinner.
8:30 pm - Enchanted Kingdom is closed for a Company event. Group decides to proceed to Tagaytay. Tony takes over the wheel.
9:20 pm - Arrived at a candle-lit Bag of Beans Tagaytay. Last 10 mins of Earth Hour. Had hot choco and chicken & mushroom pie. Group played "Hot, Cute or Not".
10:30 pm - Moved to the Ridge to savor more of the cool breeze.
11:20 pm - To Manila! Tony drives again.
12:00 am - Quick wiwi break at Shell SLEX. Got back on the driver's seat.
1:00 am - Arrived back in Mandaluyong after running over a dead dog in C5, and dangerously making a left turn and not slowing down in a round-about. All passengers are still alive, shaken, but alive ;)
1:30 am - Private scene. I see a different side of a friend. To borrow MGG's word, I saw his "humanity".
2:00 am - Went to the rooftop again to chat and drink with Tony and the kid. Another tenant having a drinking spree there. Tall guy in a striped white polo shirt looks cute. Flirt mode on. Tony and the kid moves to the other side of the rooftop. I stay in place, 5 meters away from the other tenant's group. Tenant invites me to join in. Group asks if I have a girlfriend (see? nakakaloko pa rin ako ;) ) I flirt with the tall guy. Random chit-chat with the girls. Tenant tells me that tall guy is his bf, but they are open to threesomes ;) Weeee!!!
Another tenant re-joins the group. I move away from the group to talk to one of the drunken girls. Other tenant comes up to me and shouts "Do you even live here?". Apparently he was jealous that tenant with BF was talking to me. Mujerista in the group takes me to the elevator to escape. We hear glass doors shattering as we run.
3:30 am - We regroup in tenant with BF's unit. Freak suddenly appears and is still looking for me. Security is called. I hide in the closet. Fuck, back in the closet!!!
4:00 am - Freak leaves and is escorted to his unit. I finally come out of the closet ;) Tony and the kid arrives to save me ;) I decide to stay, the freak has left anyway, and there's another cute guy in the group.
5:00 am - I say goodbye to other cute guy in the hallway ;)