Pushed back into the closet

All gay men have a coming out story. For some, it is a joyful occasion. For others, a drama-filled and traumatic experience. But no matter which route you went through, the feeling of victory and freedom is shared.

But we all know that coming out is only the beginning. The struggles we had while staying in the closet is initially replaced by the struggles of adjusting to your new identity as an openly gay man. This is especially true for people who have done "selective coming out". One of these struggles is what I call "being pushed back into the closet."

I first experienced this April last year. I was on holiday in California with a girl friend who I recently came out to. We were meeting former officemates from the Philippines, most of whom I haven't seen for 3 years. It was our second day there, we spent the whole day going around Monterey. It was a tiring yet fun day. We came back to our friends' house early evening to freshen up before hitting the San Francisco club scene. We were in the guest room changing clothes when my girl friend suddenly told me (in an irritated tone)

"Baklang-bakla ka naman." (You've been acting so gay).

I was caught off-guard so I ended up getting defensive.

"E bakla naman talaga ako e." (I'm acting gay cause I AM GAY) "I am a grown man, I can take care of myself."

That time, I wasn't sure if she was concerned that I was outing myself to people who can't handle it, or was she just embarrassed of me. I immediately left the room in order to avoid further confrontation. Instead, I just tweeted my anger and upset feelings. I resented so much what my friend said. Because of this and other things she did during the trip, we didn't speak to each other for 2 months.

Has this happened to you? How did you feel?

Too much

I've been an auditor for 7.5 years.

Auditors are known for working long crazy hours especially during the dreaded busy season (12-15 hours a day). For the benefit of non-accountants, busy season is from January to April 15 (the BIR's deadline for filing of tax returns) of each year.

Now you ask, why would a sane person sign up to something like this? Well, people in Finance acknowledge that an audit firm is the best training ground if you want to move forward in this field. Being in audit gives you many opportunities: technical training and continuing education, quick career progression, competitive compensation and development of your social skills.

Along with the opportunities, this profession also brings some downside: lack of sleep (leading to lack of beauty ;) ), stress, missing important life events, inability to plan vacations.

Another thing I dread about this job is resignation season as about 30-40% of our employees resign on an annual basis. It was most difficult a few years ago when all but 1 of my batchmates resigned from the firm. It was depressing even for a very cheerful guy like me.

This year, resignation season culminated on June 1, the deadline for submission of resignation letters. After 7.5 years in this job, this day doesn't pass by without me being emotional. The realization that in 30 days, people you consider dear friends won't be around anymore makes me really, really sad. Sometimes, I wish I could stretch the time so I can spend more time with them. Sometimes, I wish time was on fast-forward so that all of this would be over and done with.

Resignation season was the first blow. June 1 also marked the end of summer. The realization that summer has passed by without me being able to take a proper vacation pisses me off big time. I also had 2 summer projects in mind, now both unfulfilled. My unhappiness grows every single day that I am unable to take my well-deserved vacation. And this is breaking my spirit. I've been an asshole to friends and family, I've been whining so much and have become a burden to be with. I've been having dizzy spells and severe headaches all week.

This is too much!

I'm so close to losing it.

I need a break!