During the first month of this blog, a friend quizzed me on the real reasons for setting it up. He asked me if I started the blog because of this guy. I flatly denied it, saying that my reasons were clearly laid out in my first post. Back then, I believed what I was saying.
But now, it's been more than a month since my last post. And coincidentally (or not), my last post was about him. I just didn't have the urge to write anything after that episode. So I guess my friend was right. You can now tell me "I told you so!!!"
Alam kong hindi mo pansin Narito lang ako Naghihintay na mahalin Umaasa kahit di man ngayon Mapapansin mo rin Mapapansin mo rin
Alam kong di mo makita Narito lang ako Hinihintay lagi kita Umaasa kahit di man ngayon Hahanapin mo rin Hahanapin din
Chorus: Pagdating ng panahon Baka ikaw rin at ako Baka tibok ng puso ko'y Maging tibok ng puso mo Sana nga'y mangyari 'yon Kahit di pa lang ngayon Sana ay mahalin mo rin Pagdating ng panahon
Alam kong hindi mo alam Narito lang ako Maghihintay kahit kailan Nangangarap kahit di man ngayon Mamahalin mo rin Mamahalin mo rin
Chorus
Bridge: Di pa siguro bukas Di pa rin ngayon Malay mo balang araw Dumating din iyon
Since I was a young kid, I've always known I was different, I was always getting bullied for being effeminate. My friends were all girls and chinese garter and 10-20 were our favorite pastime. Despite the effeminate tendencies, I was living the life of a straight guy, I had my own teenage sweetheart and shared green jokes with the guys. Silently though, I was sharing the crushes of my girl friends, I enjoyed listening to them when they tell stories about these cute guys.
My foray into the gay lifestyle started in college, it happened one day while I was walking the streets of Recto. Gay magazines were extremely popular, and so I started collecting "Cover Boy", I particularly fancied this one as it was the most daring yet tasteful mag of the time. Stage two came when I stumbled into the DVD-laden streets of Quaipo (back then it was still VCDs). For P100 for 3 pieces, you can buy a piece of gay heaven. This is an interest that I have carried over when I started working, only this time I buy my gay porn online from sellers in yahoo groups.
My gay life was a secret to everyone. I was contented with the way it was, it was another side of me that people didn't have to know. I hardly thought of coming out.
It was at work when I started stage three. I discovered "Guys4men". It was an exciting world, not only do I get to see pictures of cute and naked guys, I get to see them in the flesh. But I was engaging in the lifestyle in moderation as even if I wanted to do more, my job didn't give me the time to do so. G4M led me to what I consider stage four, I was invited to join an orgy group, I must admit it was a big ego boost to be asked to join them. I then later found out that I was invited as part of their efforts to have variety in the group, "not everyone is into twinks" was what the organizer said, ouch!
Stage five began when I discovered gay blogs. Manila Gay Guy was the first gay blog I've read. Like a lot of gay guys, it was the sexy photos that initially attracted me to the site. Migs also started publishing his readers' letters which I enjoyed a lot. He also featured other gay bloggers which I all eventually followed: Gibbs, Mcvie, AJ, CC, Misterhubs, Tiggah and Lobster Tony. MGG then started to do podcasts, my favorite episode ever is the "Coming Out" series. The statement that reverberates in my mind came from Gibbs, sharing the reason for his coming out, he said "It's a very frustrating thing that there is this something that is so fundamental to me that I've come to accept that I can't tell ..." . This statement was so compelling that it eventually ended up in my official "coming out" speech. Thank you Troikasters! (now known as the Fabcasters)
Over the last 18 months, I have already came out to 18 people. 6 office friends, 3 college friends and 9 elementary and high school barkada. Each time I come out, I feel lighter, I feel liberated, I feel free.
My current LSS best describes how I feel, "Electricity" from Billy Elliot the Musical (which I watched last week at the West End, cryola ang beauty ko).
I can't really explain it, I haven't got the words It's a feeling that you can't control I suppose it's like forgetting, losing who you are And at the same time something makes you whole
It's like that there's a music, playing in your ear And I'm listening, and I'm listening, and then I disappear
And then I feel a change, like a fire deep inside Something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird Like Electricity, electricity Sparks inside of me, and I'm free, I'm free
It's a bit like being angry; it's a bit like being scared Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell It's like when you've been crying And you're empty and you're full I don't know what it is, it's hard to tell
It's like that there's some music, playing in your ear But the music is impossible, impossible to hear
But then I feel it move me Like a burning deep inside Something bursting me wide open Impossible to hide And suddenly I'm flying Flying like a bird Like Electricity, electricity Sparks inside of me And I'm free, I'm free
Electricity sparks inside of me And I'm free, I'm free Oh, I'm free
In December 2008, I went back to Manila for a month long vacation. I have been away for 13 months. I brought home with me a list of things I had to buy, and activities I had to do.
After 27 days in the Philippines, it was time to return to London once again. I looked at my list, everything was ticked off, everything was done. On 3 January, the day of my flight, I wasn't too sad, the 27 days was enough for me, I had no regrets on how I spent my limited time back home.
But there was one thing that made leaving difficult, it was something not on my list, something I didn't plan to do. I met C on that fateful night in a hotel in Ortigas.
I was happy to have met you, but sad that things have to be put on hold for 10 months. I hope you never get tired of reading my YM messages. I hope you keep in touch. I hope fate is on my side.
In less than an hour (Manila time), this very special person in my life will celebrate his birthday. I hope you enjoy this day, I hope you have fun.
As for me, I guess I'll have to make do with seeing you in my dreams tonight.
Chances are you'll find me Somewhere on your road tonight Seems I always end up driving by Ever since I've known you It just seems you're on my way All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night Be with you 'til morning light
I remember clearly how you looked The night we met I recall your laughter and your smile I remember how you made me Feel so at ease I remember all your grace, your style
And now you're all I long to see You've come to mean so much to me
Chances are I'll see you Somewhere in my dreams tonight You'll be smiling like the night we met Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer All I have
You're the only one I can't forget Baby you're the best, I've ever met
And I'll be dreaming of the future And hoping you'll be by my side And in the morning I'll be longing For the night, for the night
Chances are I'll see you Somewhere in my dreams tonight You'll be smiling like the night we met Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer All I have
You're the only one I can't forget Baby you're the best I've ever met
On the sports section of newspapers, it will be pages and pages of football players and their "wags". Only in this country does a change in manager of the national team makes front page news. And who would forget the fierce riots after emotionally charged games.
I've been here for over a year but I've managed to watch only one full game on TV. But I can now recognize a handful of the popular players. But just when I thought I can already start chatting with the Brits about football, I realized that I only know the hot footie players :)
Most Filipino gay men know David Beckham (but of course).
But let me introduce to you the other players that I know:
It's been a while since I last felt like saying "Happy Valentine's Day!" I don't even remember when. I don't despise people who say it to me, but I just respond politely with a "thank you".
I guess not being in a relationship for a long time has contributed to this. My last romantic relationship was in March 1998, with a girl! Yes, with a girl.
But this year is an exception. No, I'm not back in a relationship. I just feel like saying it.
To C, Happy Valentine's Day!
P.S. I know how you love receiving flowers, I hope this will do for the meantime.
For the longest time, I've been singing this song as part of my "Lea Concert Series" (my officemates would know what this means). But it was just a few weeks ago that I gave the lyrics of this song a closer look.
I then realized how much this song illustrates how I feel towards C.
My head's in a jam Can't take you off my mind From the time we met I've been beset by thoughts of you And the more that I ignore this feeling The more I find myself believing That I just have to see you again
I can't let you pass me by I just can't let you go But I know that I am much too shy To let you know Afraid that I might say the wrong words And displease you Afraid for love to fade Before it can come true
Like a child again I'm at a loss for words How does one define A crush combined with longing? Longing to possess you oh so dearly I'm obsessed by you completely I'll go mad if I can't have you
I can't let you pass me by I just can't let you go But I know that I am much too shy To let you know Afraid that I might say the wrong words And displease you Afraid for love to fade Before it can come true
(Instrumental) I can't let you pass me by I just can't let you go Let me say the things and say the words To let you know I would rather say the awkward words Than lose you Or for love to fade Before it can come true
Cutie # 1 - Gay guy in H&M, San Francisco 
Cutie #3 - The 3rd guy from the left in Monterey, California
Cutie #4 - Brandon Routh look-alike in Universal Studios
Cutie #5 - Straight Guy in Universal Studios
Ahh, distractions :)
